[stracciatella]

People have been talking a lot in Glee fandom about relationshps, and that’s understandable. The show has become so focused on the characters’ romantic relationships, I think it’s lost sight of some of the things that used to make it different from other shows.

But it’s gotten me thinking. Mainly because things come up on the show, and in discussions, that bring up incidents from my past that I had forgotten about, or shoved aside, or just haven’t dealt with.

I haven’t been a teenager in a long time, but it’s a crucial time in people’s development.

In relationships, people go through a ton of emotions, ups and downs, and hopefully they can learn and grow together.

Here’s something I figured out after have a couple of bad relationships, that I didn’t realize how bad they were at the time:

The way I see it, in a good relationship, you bring out the best qualities in each other. You are your best self around that person. In a bad relationship, you bring out the worst in each other, and are your worst self with them. If you don’t like the person you are when you’re around that person, think again if you want to be with them.

Do you spend a lot of time crying, or being angry at yourself, being angry at your partner? Do you think things should be better, and maybe would be better if you were a different person? Both parties have some responsibility for how a relationship turns out. If one of you is unhappy, ultimately you will both be unhappy, because the unhappy partner is not as loving and joyful and fully present as the other one will want.

Do you feel like you’re always the one to make compromises, to give in, even on something you feel strongly about, to make your partner happy? Do you always do what your partner wants to do on a date, or do you each have some say in what you do on your date?

Do you find yourself wishing you hadn’t done something that your partner talked you into? Maybe they said something like, “If you really loved me, you’d do this.” Or maybe, “If you don’t do this, I’ll find someone who will.” Possibly they called you names, or said things that really hurt your feelings. Are you able to talk to them about this, and tell them that it really hurts? What is their reaction? Do they apologize, and stop doing it? Or do they apologize, but keep on doing it? Do they just laugh at you and change the subject?

It’s important to recognize the warning signs in a bad relationship, and get out of it before you invest too much of yourself in it.

If you really don’t like who you are when you’re with this person, then they are probably a bad influence on you and someone you shouldn’t be around. We all have different backgrounds and experiences, but it’s healthier to want to be with someone who makes you feel good about yourself.

When your significant other says, “I love you” does it sound sincere, or does it sound awkward, like they think they have to say it?

When your significant other talks about the future, do they include you in this, or are they only talking about their own goals? Listen to what they’re saying. Are they saying “we” and “us” and “our”, or is it all “I” and “me” and “my” instead? This will give you a good clue as to whether they are thinking of you as part of their future plans or not.

Really think about what you want out of a relationship. Are you getting that from the person you’re with now? If not, is it reasonable to expect it? Do you want to be loved for who you are, or do you make a lot of changes for each person you date, according to what you think they want?

Think about it. Are you in this relationship because you want to be, and this is the person you really want to be with? Or are you in a relationship because you think everyone should be, or you’ll be a social outcast if you’re not dating someone, or you’re lonely and can’t stand being without someone? Are you just with this person because they’re convenient, or do you really actually enjoy spending time with them?

Another way to look at it is, if you met someone tomorrow, who you were attracted to, had more in common with, and treated you better, would you still want to be with the person you’re with now? Or would you wish you were free to maybe date this new person, and see what might happen, see if you’re more compatible?

Sometimes it’s a good idea to work on your relationship with yourself, so you can be happy with the person you are. If you’re waiting for someone to come along who will make you happy, and change you into what they want you to be, you’ll probably end up dissatisfied and unhappy. Wouldn’t you rather find someone who likes you for who you already are?

Here’s an idea: Ask your significant other, “If you could change anything about me, what would it be?” Pay close attention to the answer. Is the change or changes something you can do, or would be willing to do? Then ask, “Tell me about your ideal partner, the perfect person for you, what would they be like?” If they respond with a physical description and characteristics that are very unlike you, you’ll probably both be unhappy if you try to continue the relationship. Why is that? Because they will always be looking, consciously or unconsciously, for their ideal partner. You are someone they are settling for in the meantime.

Please note: If your partner doesn’t want to answer the questions, it’s probably because they think you won’t like the answers. If they say they wouldn’t change anything about you, think about things they’ve said in the past? What have they complained about, what have you fought about? Those are probably things they’d like to change. If they say you’re their ideal partner, think about how they say it. What do they do that tells you how much they love you, and that you’re who they really want to be with? Also, think about other people you’ve noticed they find attractive, or have a crush on. Do they have a pattern, looks-wise? Do you fit that pattern?

Ask yourself, what would you change about your partner if you could? Are these reasonable changes to expect? Ask yourself what your ideal partner would be like. How many of those characteristics does your current partnber have? Are you willing to settle with them for a while, until you find Mr./Ms. Right? Are you willing to be with Mr./Ms. Right Now for a while? What happens then, when you meet someone else you really want to be with?

How easy will it be to untangle your life from your current partner’s? Would you be able to say something like, “I’m sorry, but we need to break up. I’m not happy with this relationship.” If not, why not? Are you afraid of how your partner will respond? Ideally they should ask you what’s wrong, what you’re not happy about, and try to see if it’s something you can work on. But if you’re still thinking about someone else, it’s probably better to end your relationship than to cheat.

If you cheat on your partner, how does it make you feel? Think about why you did it. If your partner cheats on you, same thing. How does it make you feel about yourself? It’s good to find out exactly why, because it could tell you a lot about problems in your relationship, or problems they have with you. Do you think you’ll keep on cheating, or your partner will? If so, isn’t it better to make a clean break, so you’re both free to date someone who will respect you enough to not cheat?

Another note, if your partner gets angry with you, how do they handle the anger? Do they leave, to cool off? Do they yell at you, call you names, insult you? Do they slap or in any other way hit you or physically take their anger out on you? If so, do they do it in public, or only when there’s no one around to see? Either is bad. Do they throw things? Do they damage or destroy something of yours when they’re upset with you? Do you think that behavior might escalate?

Are you ever afraid of your partner, or of what they might do if you disappoint them, or leave them? What have they said or done that makes you feel that way? If you feel safe and secure because you feel this person is very protective and is good at hurting or getting back at someone who hurts you…what if they ever get that angry with you? Will they hurt or get back at you? If you don’t think so, why?

Just some things to think about.

If you’re concerned about your significant other, or your relationship, it’s a good idea to talk to someone else about it, someone who is more emotionally invested in you than in the other person. Or someone who is emotionally neutral. It can be good to talk to a friend your own age, but it might be more productive to talk to someone who’s older, who has been in a long-term relationship, or is currently in a relationship they’re happy with. If you don’t want to talk to your parents, is there another adult whose opinion you trust, who can maybe listen to you and give you their advice?

If someone who has been married before, or has been married for decades, tells you that the problems you have will get worse after marriage, pay attention. If they say things will get better, see if they’re willing to explain either of these in more detail.

I knew one older woman, my mother’s age, who said her husband was so good to her when they were dating. He treated her like a queen. She thought she was so lucky to have someone who loved her so much. After they got married, he changed. He turned mean, said really hurtful things, cheated on her multiple times, told her everything he thought was wrong with her, etc. She finally asked him why he’d changed so much from the man she’d been with before they got married. His response: “You wouldn’t have married me if I treated you this way before.”

I know other people who have said similar things, or indicated that they were not happy in their marriage, but for whatever reason, didn’t feel they could or should leave.

One thing that can really help, is to pay attention to how your significant other handles disappointment, unexpected changes, an emergency, a significant loss, etc. Think about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who will probably respond similarly in the future. Does their response make you admire them more, or does it make you uneasy, or even afraid?

There are so many warning signs to look out for, but often people refuse to see them, because they want to only see the best in the person they love. It’s easy to mentally sweep behavior you don’t like under the rug, or tell yourself that’s never going to happen again, or they won’t do that or act that way to you. But really…is that person never going to get that angry again? Are they never going to be that disappointed again? Do you really think they’ll behave differently the next time? Do you really think you’re always going to be exempt from their temper?

What I’m talking about here is real life. Whether you can apply it to any fictional characters or relationships is not as relevant as to whether it applies to you.